Ta’aruf, What is it? 

Assalamu’alaikum,

Some of you might be wondering, what?! Ta’aruf on a blog called muffin?

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Okay, here’s why.

It’s been an ongoing topic since Ust. Felix Siauw made #udahputusinaja as a trending topic. Then, I’ve been asked by a few friends about this topic. So I thought, why not share what I’ve learned here, who knows that it might bring goodness to someone. Isn’t it our role to share our knowledge even by an ayat or two?

Before anything else, this is a very good explanation by my favorite Ustadh Nouman Ali Khan on this issue :

So, what is Ta’aruf? It literally means Introduction. To get to know someone or something better.

What differentiates it from the regular so-called dating that’s been a part of the culture? They actually differ in many ways.

1. Intention

People who are involved in a Ta’aruf are ready to get married. Like, right now.

Not after five years, after graduation, after getting hired, etc.

Who usually have these T&C? The ones that are dating? The ones who are not ready? Doesn’t it make dating equals to unreadiness to a serious undertaking?

And who can guarantee what would happen in a year or so? If three days could change your life completely, how about a year when you can meet a lot of new people, right?

Chances are, you’ve had friends who’ve been dating for years, but ended up married to someone completely new that they just knew for a few months. My neighbor did, last week.

Why this happened? Heart changes.

That’s because Allah SWT is the one who holds control of our feelings, not us.

2. Interaction

Okay, how to get to know the other person on a Ta’aruf then?

This is what really distinguishes the two. Interaction. On a regular relationship, there’s nothing that rules out how you can or can’t interact with the other person. Both of you can go anywhere without a third person company, is it wrong, Vin? We do nothing!

In Islam, we are taught really strictly on this matter, why? Because our religion really values women. Always believe that what Allah made Haraam for us, is just for our own good. It is to protect us.

“And come not near to unlawful sexual intercourse (zinaa). Verily, it is a faahishah (a great sin) and an evil way.” (Sura Al-Israa 17 ayah 32)

You do nothing, right? That’s also what the ayat said. Do not come near zinaa, it is not do not do zinaa, right?

Let’s get back to how the interaction is in a Ta’aruf, Vin!

– Any meeting must be accompanied by a mahram. So, it is not acceptable for two non mahrams to meet alone.

-Remember to lower your gaze and not softing your voice.

– Keep the conversation and interaction “business talk only”. Avoid unnecessary topics.

– Ask about the other person’s view on marriage, their vision and mission. As well as their positive and negative traits. This stage is really important as this is when you can decide the “zing” you both have.

– Salaah Istikharah to ask for guidance, whether or not you are sure if he’s the one. If you think he is, by any means proceed. But if not, finish it nicely. It is okay to not proceed further on a Ta’aruf. There is supposedly no one hurt in the matter as it is strongly advised not to get your feeling involved before Nikaah. Unlike dating that often get people too attached to each other, Ta’aruf is nowhere near that.

Remember when Fatimah az Zahra told Ali bin Abu Thalib that she had a first love before the marriage and it turned out to be no other than him. Wasn’t it a beautiful thing to say? Wouldn’t it be beautiful to have your first love as your spouse?

Okay, so what if I’d like to proceed?

3. Duration

After agreeing to the marriage. It is strongly advised to hold the Akad as soon as possible. Why? Time might turn good into bad.

You had a good intention to do Ta’aruf, but only agree to marry after 2 years for example. Can you hold yourself not to contact the other person for that period of time? Or keep the contacts business only? I guess it is even harder now that you think that he/she is definitely going to be your spouse, in 2 years?

But only Allah SWT knows what’d happen. There is nothing definite on this matter.

Be careful not to turn Ta’aruf into what’s so called Halal dating by reminding the other person for salaah tahajjud or fast sunnah. It does actually happen a lot these days, but it doesn’t work that way 🙂

That’s why duration does matter.

You do Ta’aruf only when you are ready.

How do I know if I am ready, Vin?

First and foremost remember that your purpose to marry is supposedly to based solely on Allah SWT. Marriage could be your half of your deen, or the other way around. Everything started from our Niaat. Don’t worry about financial issue too much as Allah had guaranteed us that He’d ease the ones who marry for His Sake with rizki, right? You don’t need to wait to have your own house to get married, okay?

You know when you are ready when you are sure that your Niaat for marriage is to improve your deen and get closer to Allah SWT.

So, what to do when you are not (yet)? :

1. Keep bettering yourself

Do you want to know how your spouse is going to be like? Look in the mirror. How is your salaah? How is your behavior towards your parents, and lastly, How you maintain your dignity as a woman/man? She/he will be exactly the same as you are.

Why?

“Just as good women are for good men, and good men, for good women”- Surah An Nuur 24 : 26

Allah SWT had guaranteed this. So why worries?

2. Love and get close to Allah SWT

Never love anything nor anyone more than you love Allah SWT. Why do you love the gift instead of the giver? Isn’t it wrong? Also believe that when you love Allah SWT, you’ll also be coupled with someone the same? A simple concept, when you love the same FC, or have a same hobby, wouldn’t it be easier to get along? Same here. Another thing is that, when you marry with someone who loves Allah, your bases and guidelines on doing things will be based on the same thing, Holy Qur’an and Hadists. This makes things a lot easier.

3. Fast Sunnah

Another way is to fast. Fasting could help you to hold yourself from the wrongdoings, good for your wellbeing, get you closer to Allah, and the list goes on. You can fast Monday and Thursday or even Dawood.

4. Focus on your dream

It doesn’t mean that after you get married you won’t be able to do so. You can, but you will also get new other responsibilities to the list. So make the best of your time to achieve on your dream, get an MSc, be a hafidz, travel, you name it, nonetheless, whatever it is, remember not to get too attached to it.

5. Spend time with your parents

Spend the best of your time with your parents. Work hard to make them happy and proud by all means. Although it will never be possible to repay their kindness, be the best to them, still try your best. Also show them that you are trying to be better and responsible for yourself. That’s because our parents are the ones that know us best, sometimes even better than ourselves. So they’d know if you are ready, or not to start your own family.

6. Involve yourself in a good environment

Ever heard about the importance on having good friends in Islam? Yes, that’s because you are judged by whom you are friends with. As we spend much of our times with them it makes it really easy to get influence on both ends, good and bad.  So, if you place yourself in a good environment around good people, the big chances are you are going to get a good friend, and supposedly a good spouse, right?

7. Be Patient

You’ve done everything on the list. But your other half is still yet to come. Don’t worry. His/her name is already prewritten with yours. Remember that what we think good, is not necessarily good, and the other way around. Always remind yourself that Allah SWT has another (much better) plan!


(From Ya Allah Aku Lelah Book, sent by a friend)

So that was all about Ta’aruf.I really hope that it’d only bring goodness and apologize for my shortcomings on this discussion.

I am here by no means to judge anyone, I just wanted to share what I’ve learnt, me and my knowledge, especially about Islam, is nowhere to perfect. But it is my and your roles as a Muslim to keep on learning and sharing about what we know. I also want to make this post as a reminder, no other than for myself.

May Allah SWT always bless us with His guidance, goodfriends!

“If only guidance (hidayah) can be bought like fruits by me, then I would buy lots of baskets for me to give to the people whom I love”, – Imam Syafi’i

 

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